Image Courtesy of the Washington Post

Disclaimer: This letter includes some crude language and a lot of anger. I hope it makes you all feel as good as it did when I wrote it.

Dear Mr. Haynesworth,

Merriam-Webster defines a professional as a person “participating for gain or livelihood in and activity or field of endeavor often engaged in by amateurs.” They also offer “exhibiting a courteous, conscientious and generally businesslike manner in the workplace” and “characterized by or conforming to the technical or ethical standards of a profession” as alternate definitions. You technically fit the first definition, but based on the other two, you are no professional.

Each and every year, we Redskins fans are subjected to a free agent spending spree and the inevitable hopes that come along with a roster bolstered with new talent. We have seen the likes of Dana Stubblefield, Mark Carrier, Deion Sanders, Jesse Armstead, Jeremiah Trotter, and Adam Archuleta take the podium in March and declare their desire to win the Redskins a fourth Super Bowl championship behind the three that Joe Gibbs rightfully earned through hard work and dedication. We have seen these men, most of which unworthy of even POLISHING the trophies, follow up their grandiose press conferences by tripping off the proverbial stage because of the awkwardness of their oversized wallets. As infuriating as each of these names can be to the dedicated Redskins fan, yours is going to go down as the most frustrating and disappointing of them all.

Do you know why you’re a worthless piece of garbage, Albert?

…because you’ve been paid $31 million to play in TWELVE games for the Washington Redskins…

…because you’ve been paid $2,583,333 per game to huff and puff and blow your way to the sideline after every second down…

…and more than anything, it’s because you’re a liar and a loaf that has milked the maximum amount of money from an organization for the absolute minimum amount of effort. In the statement released yesterday, your agent stated that “the Redskins are trying to establish a new regime with new schemes at Redskins Park, and it is not an organization that Albert would have ever been attracted to just a short year ago -- regardless of the money.”

Bull.

First of all, if money was not an issue, why wouldn’t you have signed with the New York Giants? They were only one year removed from a Super Bowl victory and led by a proven winner and franchise quarterback? Why wouldn’t you have stayed in Tennessee with a playoff team and a coaching staff you knew well? You signed with the Redskins because you saw dollar signs and didn’t care if you had to play for the freaking Detroit Lions if you got paid that kind of money. 

You knew Dan Snyder and Vinny Cerrato were suckers and you used that to bleed as much money as possible out of them. Now you’re giving your teammates and the fans…the two groups of people that had nothing to do with the size of your paycheck a proverbial fat middle finger. What was that you said after signing the deal?

"You're not going to remember Albert Haynesworth as a bust," he said.

He was a regular Nostradamus with that one.
"With the contract, it's going to be all on me. My goal is to be the best player on the field and to eventually get to that Hall of Fame status and be mentioned with Reggie White and Bruce Smith and all the greats."
Oh so it’s all on you, huh…until the coaching staff gets fired, in which case you’re absolved from any wrongdoing or douchebaggery. In that case, feel free to piss and moan about how unfair it will be to eat up blockers and do some dirty work. You’d probably have to grab A-Rod money to do what you’re told in THAT kind of situation.
But what should we really expect? You were the guy that stomped on Andre Gurode’s helmet-less head (even if he is a Cowboy). You were the guy that paralyzed some dude because you were driving insanely fast on I-40 in Tennessee and wrecked his car. You were the guy that teammates considered to be selfish and lazy to the local media.
Don’t you dare compare yourself with Reggie White or Bruce Smith. Both of those guys worked their asses off to reach the levels that they reached. They were consummate pros and great teammates that helped lead their teams to Super Bowls. They put in the countless hours of work that it takes to be called a Hall of Famer. You don’t deserve to lick the dirt off their shoes. Your fat butt shouldn’t even be mentioned in the same breath as anyone but Terrell Owens right now…and at least he works hard in the offseason.

But I suppose none of this matters in the end. You can go back and jump on your 150-foot yacht (or however big it is), sip on expensive liquor from a diamond glass and laugh.

That in mind, here’s what I wish for you Mr. Haynesworth…

I hope Mike Shanahan acts like your agent never released any statements. Rather than trade you for a water cooler and some towels (which is all you’re good for on the market right now), I’d like to see you get fined until you bring your butt to camp. I hope Shanahan puts you out for every snap in the preseason until you pass out and then sits you on the bench for the duration of the season. When you start bitching in the locker room, I hope your teammates gang up on you and beat your ass. I hope you rot in relative anonymity with that contract and waste away the prime of your career.

More than anything I hope that Silvia Mena, the exotic dancer from New York that you impregnated, wins her lawsuit and takes all of your damn money. Then maybe you’ll finally get what’s coming to you.

In conclusion, eat shit Albert. You might be rich, but you aren’t worth a damn.

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