For the theme of September, I thought it would be fun to do a little riff off of my favorite show and put a DMV personality to characters in South Park. We’ll start with minor characters and build up to the main characters. I’ll give a description of each character, the personality (or personalities) and why they compare.

I tried really hard to figure out the best character to personify the Redskins’ head coach; however I was unsuccessful in finding a main character for the guy. When I thought long and hard about it (no pun intended), Big Gay Al just fit the guy perfectly. Check it out:

Big Gay Al is a stereotypical homosexual man known for his flamboyant and positive demeanor. For example, he almost always responds to the greeting "How are you?" with an upbeat "I'm super! Thanks for asking!"

No, I don’t think the Big Whistle is gay…far from it. But it does take a bit of a goofy, flamboyant guy to cheer “Hip, Hip, Hooray” in an NFL locker room after a victory, as well as a guy with some charisma. Zorn always tries to use his “stay medium” attitude with his team and the media, but it never really comes off that way. His “aw shucks” demeanor and positive spin with the Dan Snyder-owned media comes off a little TOO optimistic sometimes, and he’s not a fiery kind of coach, but his energy can get the job done.

Like Al, who provided refuge for disowned gay pets, Zorn has welcomed some “reject” players with open arms. Guys like Shaun Alexander, Mike Williams, DeAngelo Hall, and DJ Hackett weren’t welcome with their old teams, but Zorn gave them a place to call home. Zorn is too kind hearted to let guys like that just sit on the street, even if other teams found something wrong with them. Even Jim knows that some guys just need a change of scenery to flourish.

I’ll keep this quick, since I’m a day late and it’s college gameday.

• I think Orakpo was held on every play for the first two drives. He’s a freak.
• Justin Tryon should give Jeremy Jarmon a hug for the free interception he got out of Jarmon’s good pass rush.
• I’d be surprised if they actually kept anyone after Rock in the backfield.
• Marko Mitchell didn’t have his best game, but he’s still the #5.
• Speaking of #5, Colt has to be the number three while Chase will be on the practice squad, at least in my opinion.
• Our special teams are still awful, but good job on that 48 yarder Shazzam.

VT/Alabama Preview later this morning…WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The fourth and final preseason week is here, and thank God it’s almost time for things to matter. I’m going to keep it short and sweet today, so here it goes. Jacksonville is not a particularly exciting city, and I don’t count anyone among their 347 fans a friend, so I don’t have anyone to really talk trash with. Tonight’s not even a glorified tune-up, with guys like Portis, Haynesworth, Fletcher, and the like showing up in street clothes, or not even making the trip at all. Tonight is about the final three or four roster spots that are up for grabs. Here’s what to watch for:

• Marko Mitchell not completely surrendering the fifth and final receiver spot.
• Whether Marcus Mason can prove to be valuable enough to keep as a fourth HB.
• What linemen get a roster spot (glares at Mike Williams, who probably will, albeit undeservingly).
• Who can lock down the fourth/fifth corner spots between Kevin Barnes (here’s hoping), Byron Westbrook and Justin “I can’t cover my leftover brownies with tinfoil let alone an NFL fourth-stringer” Tryon. I bet you can guess who I hope gets cut.

Try not to freak out flipping between the first round of college football games and this matchup, and I won’t fault you for switching for good at halftime. However, just be aware that Dan Snyder might just find a way to sue your ass if you don’t watch the whole game. Preseason is part of the package if you didn’t already know!

Images Courtesy of CSN

Well my score prediction was pretty damn close to being right. The wrong team put up 27, but that’s still pretty good. Last night was a mixed bag, but when you’re a middle-of-the-road team against the Patriots, that’s not such a bad thing in the preseason. I have that benefit of a Madden-like view in my FedEx seats, so last night afforded me a nice opportunity to compare how Tom Brady ran through his progressions in comparison to Jason Campbell. Campbell surprised me a bit last night. He was very methodical and didn’t seem to stare down his receivers. He kept a decent rhythm and saw the field pretty well. In the stadium, Campbell was knocked often for holding onto the ball too long (shocker), but JC actually managed to get the ball out most of the time. The only time he took shots, the secondary had great coverage, and there wasn’t a lot he could do. He also did a good job of avoiding staring down receivers. In comparison, Brady is just too damn good. I’ve only seen him play live once before, and he’s taken his game to such a higher level since the last time I saw him (which was early 2000s at some point…I’m too lazy to look it up). Don’t get me wrong, he’s always been good, but his ball placement was perfect for a guy that’s sat out for a year, and he was INCREDIBLE with staring down a receiver and delivering the ball to another guy. Once Randy Moss opened things up in the middle of the first, Brady used him as a decoy to perfection. It was damn impressive. Here are a few of the other things I noticed.

• Colt Brennan can only be an effective QB outside the Red Zone. The fact that his throws look like a gunshot don’t help his case near the goal line. Both of his interceptions (last week and this) in the red zone were bullets that actually needed some loft under them. When you hit NFL corners in the chest, they’re going to make you pay.
• Devin Thomas is running like a man on a mission. His kickoff returns even had a lot of intensity, and he looks like he has something to prove. He’s not blowing away people with his stats, but he certainly looks more focused than last year.
• LaRon Landry is a rangy player, but he can never replace the size of Sean Taylor. Taylor would have at least been able to contest Randy Moss on that second touchdown with his height. Brady just placed the ball perfectly over Landry into Mosses hands.
• Santana Moss just abused the New England corner on that play where Campbell overthrew him. His speed was just nasty on that play.
• The line seems to be gelling in pass protection. They’re giving Campbell at least 3-5 seconds to roll through his progressions, and that’s encouraging, but they have to get better with the run blocking.
• Marcus Mason SHOULD make this roster. He runs with a head of steam, he’s fast and he’s smart. He laid a wicked block on a New England corner on a screen pass, and I think he’s earned his keep.
• DJ Hackett played his way off the roster last night. While Colt didn’t throw an ideal ball on that pick, Hackett didn’t come back to the play AT ALL. Not a strong showing.
• Don’t get too alarmed with the secondary. Greg Blache gave the corner going against Randy Moss (typically DeAngelo Hall) help on one play, at best. Typically Moss was one-on-one or lined up in the slot and covered by a backer and a safety. Blache ran a very basic defense until late in the second corner, so I’m not panicking. It wasn’t an encouraging performance, but it wasn’t a season-defining performance either.

With regard to Patriots fans, they were very classy. And smart. I’ll lay off them for the time being. They knew when to clap, and when to shut up. They supported their team but weren’t obnoxious, and considering it was preseason, that’s pretty good. I’ve also figured out that the dumbest 1/3 of Redskin fans show up for preseason because they’re given tickets by season ticket holders. I can’t wait for regular season fans.

No thoughts from the mini-feed this week, since there weren’t any Pats fans that said anything stupid. Good for you New England. Just wait for Philly week. Speaking of Philly, there were three Eagles fans in my section heckling Pats fans and cheering for the Redskins. Three thoughts for those people:

• Get a life…spend your Friday night doing something better than attending a preseason game where your team is involved and screaming at a guy that isn’t even giving you crap. Plus beer is cheaper at home.
• You don’t have an argument. You’re talking crap to two organizations that have won a championship in the last 50 years…waste of time. Don’t feed me “what’s happened in the last 10 years” either. Your organization is three steps below the 1990s Braves. Not a whole lot to brag about.
• You spent your evening rooting for a division rival, against a non-conference team. That’s not fandom, it’s idiocy.

Also a random side note, I’ve been reading back through the comments, and it’s good to see people have posted a few. They’re definitely welcome. I don’t care if you disagree, you call me an idiot, or whatever…I don’t write this blog to have everyone tell me how amazing I am. Please, keep them coming.

Preseason week three…if any preseason game means jack, it’s this one. Starters typically play at least a half and should be putting in the final tweaks to prepare for the regular season. I’ll be up in Landover again tonight, and there are a few things I’m looking for…

• Please don’t rain again. Misha and I stuck it out for the full game last week, and it was a soaked mess. I’d rather NOT sit in the rain again tonight.
• Jason Campbell HAS to show some accuracy and it has to be beyond the first down marker. It seems that Campbell has earned the reputation of a guy that can’t hit receivers downfield, and only completed over 60% of his passes last year because of check-downs. That’s a fair assessment right now. Campbell missed on two long ball shots last week (underestimating Malcolm Kelly’s speed, apparently…) and really didn’t contribute anything significant. This is his last true tune up if he doesn’t want to get worked in week 4. We should all pray that we don’t need to see more of him next week.
• Running Back competition: Dorsey or Mason…who steps up with Rock out of the lineup? This is their big audition.
• What can Albert Haynesworth do in a XXXL jersey? He complained that he couldn’t breathe well last week which is why he took fewer snaps. Let’s hope they made the jersey big enough this time so we can see #92 eat Mr. Butt Chin Brady for dinner.
• Thomas, Kelly, and Mitchell, can continue to inspire optimism, and will one of them take a step beyond Randle El and become the #2 guy? That would be ideal.
• The big grudge match of Daniel vs. Brennan will be one to watch, although the competition is overhyped/overvalued.
• Finally, can Brian Orakpo continue to impress? He’s gotten nothing but praise since he donned the burgundy and gold. Let’s see him pull some Osi Umenyiora moves on that New England line tonight.

I’m excited that I don’t have to deal with any Pittsburghers this week, as well as taking two of my teacher friends (although one is a Pats fan). It should be a good time. The only thing I can think of to give New England crap about is the fact that they cheated their way to their rings. Joe Gibbs would have never done that. I will always hate Bill Belichick for the way he ran the score up on ole Joe just to be a dick...oh and New England had about 1400 real fans before 2001. They were AT BEST third in the pecking order (behind the f*ckin' saaawxxxxx and the Celtics) until Tom Brady came around, so not many people from New England can claim that they're long-time dedicated fans. Oh and I hate them because Matt Wallace is a bandwagon fan and I like to see him suffer. That's right Matt...I hope butt chin breaks his leg tonight, just so I can be there to see it.

All that hate is in partial jest. It's just a preseason game, so let’s just hope the offense can look polished and the defense can continue to look dominant. A win would be nice, but isn't the be-all, end-all tonight.

Redskins 27
Patriots 24

Come on back for tomorrow...fun thoughts from the mini-feed and a recap.

Images Courtesy of CSN

So after sitting in the rain for 2+ hours leading up to and through kickoff, I was able to take in a pretty decent game last night. It felt good to be back in the old seats, and despite the obvious lack of character at FedEx, I did feel very at home. However, before we get to the football aspects of last night, I’m going to take a few paragraphs to paint a picture of last night’s game environment for you.

According to Steinberg, the crowd was about 60-40 in favor of the home team. I would tend to agree. I did see a lot of stupid yellow towels, but they were definitely outmatched in terms of cheers when the teams were introduced. My section probably had about the same ratio, but there were certainly some interesting sights before and during the game. I did spot one dude in a DeSean Jackson Eagles Jersey with a Steelers Super Bowl Champs hat down to my left (I would have snapped a picture but it would have been a little TOO obvious). The Steeler fans were VERY antagonistic towards the Redskin fans, and the Redskin fans did not back down. There were a few fights, and a few tongue-lashings, but nothing too major. Every argument ended in the same six-fingered gesture from every Pittsburgh fan (see item #3 from yesterday). By the looks of them, it didn’t seem as though some were even capable of counting to six, so I came off mildly impressed.

Don’t get me wrong…Steeler Nation can be very dedicated and very loud, and I commend them for that. However, coming from a rabid fan base in Blacksburg, I know that there are certain ways to handle being a group of crazy fans. First of all, Pittsburghers cheered louder when the Steelers ran out for their opening drills, they drew some solid cheers and a good smattering of boos. However, they cheered at least twice as loud when the team started stretching...WHAT? They seemed to cheer for really stupid things (hence my tweet that they act like they’ve won a championship when Hines Ward bends over to tie his shoes), and don’t cheer at the right times. I cannot count how many times they added to the crowd noise when they were on OFFENSE and trying to call/run a play. If they’re going to be loud and obnoxious, at least they could channel it into disrupting the opposing team’s offense. Speaking of their intelligence, two guys in the front of my section decided they were going to fly a Steeler flag, but the first 3-4 times they put it up to wave it, they held it upside down. When a nice gentleman in a Clinton Portis jersey decided to point out their mistake, one of the gentlemen decided to jump into a towel waving clinic, yelling and cussing while gyrating his hips and twirling his cool yellow towel. Needless to say, he looked VERY intimidating and badass.

This leads me to Mrs. Quiet Steeler fan sitting in front of me. Keep in mind that I know I can be very loud, and very obnoxious when provoked, but I was not even that dialed in last night (after all, it was only preseason). I did not have a drop of alcohol in my system, nor was I cussing or using offensive language. My meanest comments during the game were “Six and Pitts don’t rhyme!!” and “Go back to Pittsburgh.” At the beginning of the fourth quarter, the middle aged woman sitting the row in front of us (and a few seats over) decided to pipe up after my “wow, you can count to six” comment. She turned around and said “Can you please SHUT UP?! I’ve had to listen to your crap all game!” After posing the fact that I wasn’t being obscene, she told me that she wanted to “enjoy the game in some peace and quiet.” Peace and quiet. At a professional football game. Right.

She then tried to say that I hadn’t said cheered for the Redskins at all and that I was rude, and I proceeded to remind her that she was an opposing fan in a different stadium, not at Heinz Field, and if she had a problem with it she should go back to Western Pennsylvania. She then admitted that she was actually from DC and then threw up a “talk to the hand” before I could retort. Misha and I spent the rest of the game cheering as loud as humanly possible in a positive way for the Redskins, and I think it made her ears bleed. Awesome.

Now outside of the circus in the stadium, there was actually a football game, and these were just a few of my observations:

• Jason Campbell was not sharp, but I’m not ready to write him off after at least two of his plays were blown up by Troy Polamalu. One of them was a breakup that only Ed Reed and Adrian Wilson could have duplicated.
• Chase Daniel has a firm grip on the number 3 spot over Colt Brennan right now, and Brennan looks almost lazy and bored in the pocket. His interception was terrible.
• Brian Orakpo is the real deal, and he looked much faster in person. He’s got a great motor and has a bright future, especially with that group in front of him playing the way they did.
• Speaking of the D-line, Haynesworth ate at least two blockers on the first series, and was VERY disruptive overall. Jeremy Jarmon also had a great motor and was consistent in giving the Steeler offensive line a handful.
• Kevin Barnes had a great pass breakup in the third corner and looked good in coverage most of the night.
• Justin Tryon is still terrible.
• Marko Mitchell has to be the clear #5 wide receiver. I haven’t seen the Redskins complete a fade pass for a touchdown since…well probably Art Monk.
• The third and long defense was terrible, just like much of last year, and our linebackers did not do a good job of dealing with Dennis Dixon’s mobility.
• DeAngelo Hall had no business drawing a flag for unnecessary roughness when he hit Heath Miller about .02 seconds after the ball passed by him. Surprise surprise, a Wahoo can’t take a hit from a Hokie, even in the NFL.
• The run game looked really solid overall, and the coaches have a tough decision to make with regards to who to keep. Dorsey and Mason both look solid.
• Nice bounce back game Fred Davis, one forced fumble and one touchdown. Guess you can’t fumble when you catch it in the endzone!

Overall I was very encouraged by the performance, and I think that they’ll continue to improve. The effort and energy levels weren’t in the same league as last week, and they really came out to play last night. The offensive starters are expected to play AT LEAST the first half next week, and could go longer. We’ll really get an idea of where they stand after Friday.

I’ll leave you all with my mini-feed posts (which were live tweets from the game) and responses from Steeler fans. It got a little out of hand to say the least.

Me: i wonder if anyone's told burghers that 'pitts' and 'six' don't rhyme

Steeler “Fan” #1: Well, apparently, nobody told you that in the dialect of American English spoken in southwestern Pennsylvania, and parts of northern West Virginia and southeastern Ohio, which is related to the older Appalachian dialects, which have, in turn, developed less than other US accents due to longer geosocial isolation, and are somewhat more related to ... Read Moreolder Scots and Irish than either group is to modern American English as far as vocabulary and intonation, the phoneme groups ``ts'' and ``ks'' are often conflated, such that ``Pittsburgh'' would be pronounced similarly to ``Pixburgh''; it is from this that ``Sixburgh'' became popular; in that dialect, they actually would be considered to rhyme. But if you wish to be culturally insensitive and politically incorrect, that is okay, too; I find that being either can often be a source of amusement.

Wow…take a breath and get a life. I’ve never EVER heard anyone from Pittsburgh legitimately say Pixburgh, and if they did, I think I’d hit them. I bet anyone that says Pixburgh would come off something like this.

Me: steelers fans act like they won the super bowl when hines ward ties his shoes

Steeler Fan #2: Uh, I'm pretty sure we did win the SB. So...you can have the preseason game.

Congratulations on not getting the joke. Oh and I’ll take our 42-31-3 all-time record against Pittsburgh.

That’s about all for the recap. Hopefully you all didn’t have to put up with as much crap as I did last night, but it was still fun to be back at FedEx nonetheless.

Tonight marks my first trek back to Fed Ex Field since the 2003 Dallas game, where the Redskins were shellacked 27-0 in a driving freezing rain. That was the last game before college and before we gave up our season tickets, but now I have them back. Nosebleed, Section 414, Row 16, Seats 7 and 8. I couldn’t be more pumped about a preseason game, just because I love going to see the Redskins live more than almost anything. Tonight is also the true debut of my good buddy Doug Roberts as a member of the Washington Redskins marching band, so if you’re in attendance tonight, make sure to yell for that cool kid playing the trombone. Congrats Doug!

Alright, down to business…the defending world champion Pittsburgh Steelers come to town in a game many people could care less about, but it was only 9 months ago when we all had to endure the Terrible Towel debacle on Monday Night Football. As many of you know, my sister married into a Pittsburgh family, and my generalizations about the city of Pittsburgh and their teams do not apply to my brother-in-law. He’s never been an ass about how successful Pittsburgh has been in recent years when it comes to just about anything football or hockey. However, beyond the family ties, Pittsburgh fans REALLY piss me off. Not only is the DMV populated by millions of transplants from Western Pennsylvania, but they all love to tell you how DC is such a shithole and how Pittsburghers are far more loyal and vastly superior in every way to someone from this area (we’ll refer to this complex as Pittsburgh Transplant Syndrome OR PTS). Here are some of the things that REALLY piss me off about ‘burghers when a Washington vs. Pittsburgh game comes up on the schedule:

1. There are more Northern Virginia-raised kids that I can count that have managed to find some reason to be Steelers fans: a la “my family’s from there” or “my best friends mom’s dog was born there”…you get the point…it’s all bullshit. They all find the need to fly their black and gold allegiances and tell you how much DC teams suck, even though they were born and raised around here.

2. Their fans not only show up to away games, but they show up in DROVES and all seem to suffer from PTS AND Diarrhea of the mouth. Neither of these make for fun conversation in the stands.

3. Speaking of conversation, every one with a Pittsburgher ends in some sort of put down about how ugly Alex Ovechkin is (or how he doesn’t backcheck or kiss Gary Bettman’s ass like Crosby), how they have twice as many Super Bowl victories as us, or how the traffic around this area blows (to which they contribute significantly) . Fans from every city have their shtick arguments, but I just tend to hear the one from Pittsburgh more than any other.

4. Their goddamned towels that go everywhere...and Dan Snyder finds the need to copy…and are obnoxious.

5. That stupid guy in the pink polo shirt (and a popped collar) at the Caps/Oilers game last February who heckled Ovi the whole game for all of the items mentioned in #3. Get a life and watch a game where your team is actually involved.

6. The word yinz, which doesn’t make any freaking sense and should never be used in any context EVER.

7. Their quarterback has two Super Bowl rings, but apparently he doesn't know what hockey team plays in their city.

Ok, deep breaths. I’m really pumped about the game tonight, but I don’t want to listen to Pittsburgh fans. That’s the gist. As far as the game, it looks as though we’ll get to see Albert Haynesworth and Clinton Portis, and the starters could see about a quarter and a half of play. Here are a few things to keep an eye on:

· Haynesworth’s disruptiveness: It’s only preseason, but keep an eye on how many snaps Haynesworth gets and what he does with them. Additionally, look to see how his presence affects the pass rush and how long the Steeler have to hold onto the football.

· Portis’s health: Let’s see how hard Clinton hits the hole tonight. Everyone knows his feelings on preseason, but he didn’t look healthy at the end of last year, and he needs to have fresh legs to start this season. Although he hasn’t hit 30 yet, he’s got enough wear on his tires to run like someone older, so it will be interesting to see if he can keep his play up to his high standards.

· Orakpo’s development: How will #98 perform in his second live-action setting? He seemed to settle in pretty well against Baltimore, and really has potential to be a star in Greg Blache’s defense. If he can perform well again tonight, the town is really going to start some buzz about him.

· Nickel corner: Who won’t shit the bed this week against Pittsburgh’s receivers? I see Justin Tryon getting absolutely shredded by Limas Sweed tonight.

· Fred Davis’s hands: Will Fred hit that snooze button again tonight? The fumbles have to stop.

· Points: The offense HAS to put up something, or Jim Zorn is really going to hear it. Two shutouts in a row won’t go over well…especially if I have to sit out in the rain to watch this game.

I think that’s everything. I’ll be back with a recap tomorrow morning.

Prediction:
Redskins 23
Steelers 16

There are a lot of different people and things that Redskins fans and players have hated in the past. The quickest things that jump to mind for any Redskin fan are the Dallas Cowboys, Michael Irvin and his crack pipe, Philadelphia fans (who should be on everyone’s villain list), Deion Sanders, Jeff George, or any other bad free agent signing ever. Others would suggest that the money-grubbing, bratty owner would classify as a villain to all fans of the NFL. However, I can argue that there’s one particular group that has pissed off ‘Skins fans beyond all others in recent history: the kickers.

Current Villain: Redskins Kickers/Punters/Snappers since the 1999 season

Think back to the last Redskins game you watched where a Redskins kicker or punter didn’t PISS YOU THE HELL OFF…

…keep thinking…

…it could have been that one…

…no, John Hall got a personal foul in that game…

…give up?

One particular memory stews in my brain that I can point to as the complete downturn of Redskins specialists (minus the Red Snapper of course). Back on January 15, 2000, the Redskins lined up for a field goal to take a 16-14 lead against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers late in their divisional playoff matchup when snapper Dan Turk literally ROLLED the ball back to Brad Johnson, who didn’t have enough time to set the ball for the field goal attempt. The Redskins lost that game 14-13, and haven’t made it further than the second round since that day. If that event was an isolated one, I wouldn’t be so angry 10 years later, but it hasn’t been. It was the first bad event in the eventual downturn and destruction of the Redskins special teams units. After the Dan Turk incident, Matt Turk got a bad taste in his mouth and left the organization in 2000. Turk was a half-way decent punter at the time, and is still kicking for Houston this season. The Redskins have finished no higher than 18^th in net punting since Turk left the team, and have had a revolving door ever since. We all have forgotten the Andy Grooms and the Tommy Barnhardts, but it’s hard to forget how inept Bryan Barker was (even with his bloody nose). Derrick Frost was the king of the hissyfit last season when he was cut in favor of Durant Brooks (and described as 'honking' terrible punts for the Packers in his next assignment), and Brooks only made it until about week six. Then the Skins signed the world’s heaviest punter in Ryan Plackemeier, who was pretty good at Wake Forest but SUCKED for Washington (shocker). Think that’s all our problems? That’s only our punters.

To say that Redskins kicking has been inconsistent is like saying that Michael Jackson only had one nose job (too soon?) or that Barry Bonds had one too many protein shakes. Check out this laundry list of kickers:

1999: Brett Conway
2000: Brett Conway, Michael Husted, Kris Heppner, Eddie Murray, Scott Bentley
2001: Brett Conway
2002: Brett Conway, Jose Cortez, James Tuthill
2003: John Hall
2004: John Hall, Ola Kimrin, Jeff Chandler
2005: John Hall, Nick Novak
2006: Shaun Suisham, John Hall, Nick Novak
2007: Shaun Suisham
2008: Shaun Suisham

Technically we had Brett Conway from ’99-’02, Hall from ’03-’05, and Shazzam from ’06-now, but there’s a reason why guys like Jose Cortez and Nick Novak find themselves on that list. Conway was inconsistent for his four-year stint in Washington (including that 2000 incident), and was threatened with replacement several times. Hall seemed to bring some hope with him from the Jets in 2003, but showed an affinity for personal foul penalties and hurting himself while tackling opponents. After battling injuries through 2004 and 2005, he gave way to Suisham, who hasn’t been mister consistency himself. His accuracy has dropped from 88% in 2006 to 72% in 2008. And let’s not even mention kickoffs. I think the last time the Redskins had a touchback, Chip Lohmiller was still rocking #8 in RFK. You know what pisses me off more than anything else about the Redskins kicking dilemma? It’s the fact that we cut David Akers after the 1998 season. DAVID MOTHERF&#*%$ AKERS. The guy with 3 Pro Bowls. The guy with a career accuracy of 81%. THE GUY WITH A CAREER LONG OF 57 YARDS. God I hate the Eagles, but not as much as I hate our kickers.

Also Receiving Votes: Dan Snyder, Vinny Cerrato, Jeff George, Donovan McNabb, Tiki Barber

Next Up: Capitals Villains

Images Courtesy of CSN

There are not a whole lot of positives to pull out of last night’s debacle. The secondary looked shoddy, there was inconsistent pass rush, and the offense was nonexistent. However, it is only preseason, and I’m not hitting the panic button and neither should you. As a little lighter approach to a recap, let’s start with a few of the smartest comments from my facebook mini-feed from the last 12 hours (with my commentary added in italics):

Eagles Fan #1: its only preseason but damn cowboys and redskins looked like some shyt lol

…and you all dominated New England, huh?

Steelers Fan #1: Wonders how you spell Betts: Not sure but if your the Redskins you spell it Bettis: Great job spelling your own players name correctly. Looks to be a long season.

How about YOU’RE and PLAYER’S bud? Poor spelling on jerseys in the DMV is tradition now. Pot, meet kettle.

Eagles Fan #2: all you deadskins fans spouting off at the mouth are just pissed you didn't sign vick and you know it. i can't wait for him to dice you up in week 7 suckers! i'll be at fedex in my vick jersey!!

Ok so let’s avoid the fact that you lost last night too. By the way, Deadskins is original, but luckily they won three Super Bowls before they left this world. Talk to me when Vick is relevant on the field again.

Ravens Fan #1: Well, since the Ravens clearly own the Redskins now, did Dany Snyder sell the team to Bisciotti during the offseason or something?

Yes, the old “Ravens dominate the rivalry” argument. I’m glad you were able to destroy us in a preseason game. Congratulations, you’re going to the Super Bowl! Hey, 49ers fans, how did that whitewash in Osaka feel back in ’02?! Spurrier’s taking us all the way! Shut up Baltimore.

…and from my good buddy Wendy: We can only go up from here Redskins, no worries, I have faith!

It’s easy to freak out after a game like the one we were subjected to last night. Personally, I don’t feel all warm and fuzzy after what I saw, but the world isn’t ending either. Here are my few thoughts from Preseason Week 1:

• The fact that Darrell Green has publicly risked his reputation on Justin Tryon scares the life out of me. Tryon looked worse (if that is possible) than he did in 2008 against a maligned Ravens’ receiving corps last night. He had a game-high five tackles, but every one of them seemed to be running a guy down from behind. He’s a liability in coverage right now, and luckily we still have three guys in front of him. Considering he played a huge chunk of the game at one corner spot, which would never be the case in the regular season, I’m not panicking yet. After all, we did draft Kevin Barnes, who…

• …looked like shit a couple of times, most notably on a double-pump from Troy Smith (who played a great game, considering it wasn’t a bowl game…zing!) for a touchdown to Justin Harper. The big hitter didn’t get many other opportunity to shine, and didn’t do much to ease the mind of Tryon-haters.

• Marques Hagans has no business on this roster. Not only is he a Wahoo, he’s never been that good and we don’t need another short, converted QB playing wideout on the team.

• Brian Orakpo is going to be good, but I still don’t know if he should be a linebacker. He seemed much more comfortable with a hand down, but he had a couple of nice shots at the QB, and showed a lot of speed. Let’s see how he progresses, but I have a good feeling about him.

• Speaking of rookies, Jeremy Jarmon looked pretty strong as well. He got a little pressure and seemed to play well against the run.

• Jason Campbell still holds onto the ball too damn long.

• The Hokies seemed to have a good night. Will Montgomery had a strong outing at center, while DeAngelo Hall had a solid breakup at the goal line in his small amount of playing time. Justin Harper whipped the Redskins backups for 57 yards and a pretty touchdown.

• The 2nd Round Flops had 6 catches for 54 yards and two fumbles. WAKE UP FRED DAVIS!!

Overall it was a bad outing and Jim Zorn needs to get his shit together to keep the fans off his back. We must see more offensive consistency during the preseason to enter the regular season with ANY semblance of confidence. I think it will get better, but we’ll have to wait and watch. As far as the other big news of the night, Mike Vick has signed with the Eagles (as shown above). I have to say that I AM glad that he has signed somewhere, partially so we don’t have to hear about it all the time, and partially because he deserves a chance to show what he can do. However, I don’t exactly think Philly is the best fit for him, and I think their fans will be all over him as soon as they realize he isn’t going to perform like a superstar right off the bat. Vick still has potential, but he’s no savior, and people need to quit treating him as such. As far as I’m concerned, he’s still a guy fighting his way back into the league, and I think he’ll do well, but I don’t think that’s the sort of “nurturing” environment that he needs.

Here’s hoping next week goes a little better against the defending Super Bowl champs, the Pittsburgh Illegal-Gun-Shooting, Motorcycle-Crashing, Waitress-Raping Steelers. They sure are starting to sound like “America’s Team,” huh? That’s not a compliment Pittsburghers.

Ok, so who likes the Ravens anyway? I know it’s only preseason, but I can’t stand the bastards and I want to see a Redskins victory tonight. If I ever see another Ed Reed turnover/touchdown, it will be too soon. Here are a few things to look for (or not look for) tonight when our guys kick off the preseason…sweeeeeeeeeeet:

• Look for lots of defense. The Ravens are notorious for having not only a good defense, but a lot of defensive depth. The ‘Skins have done quite a bit of retooling, and seem to have added some pretty good, young depth as well. Both defenses should determine the tempo tonight, and whichever one wins the turnover battle will probably win the game.
• Speaking of young depth, keep an eye on a few lesser-knowns. Brian Orakpo is an obvious choice to watch for tonight, but look for guys like Kevin Barnes, Jeremy Jarmon, Justin Tryon, and Keith Eloi to try and show their stuff tonight. Tryon has been working with Darrell Green in the offseason and must have a strong preseason to keep his roster spot. Let see if #28 rubbed off on him at all.
• Don’t look for many big names, at least for the Redskins. If they are in there, don’t look for more than two series, but we already know that $100 million man Albert Haynesworth won’t play, as well as some vets like Randy Thomas and Santana Moss. I’m sure Clinton Portis will be kept on the sidelines kicking and screaming as well.
• We’ll see the first taste of Colt vs. Daniel vs. Collins. Brennan lives for the preseason right now, and has a good opportunity to show that he can be the no. 2 behind Jason Campbell. We really haven’t seen much of Collins since the ’07 playoffs, and coaches speak highly of Daniel, so it will be interesting to see how each one performs in their first action this year.
• Watch for the much maligned 2008 second round picks. Devin Thomas has been limited with a hamstring and Malcolm Kelly with a knee, but each have gotten better reviews this year when on the practice field. Combined with Fred Davis, let’s see how they show up in a game situation tonight.

I know it’s ridiculous to be this excited about a preseason game, but it’s football, and football means entertainment. I can’t wait.

My Prediction:

Redskins 13
Ravens 10